I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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