he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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