You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You ruined the universe
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
