Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
