i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
