For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
