You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
