Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
