I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
