So drunk its hurt
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I can't turn off my feet"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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