So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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