it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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