I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just found puke in my bra..
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
