The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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