I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Houston, we have a blender
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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