Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
