Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I think my vagina is haunted
I met the friendliest cop last night
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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