when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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