my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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