I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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