I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
