I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
