Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
