So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
