You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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