She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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