he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
