I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
