the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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