I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
