Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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