i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
