Someone shit on the floor
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
