I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Are my feet made of real feet?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
