i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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