My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
