I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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