Swine flu. Run for my life!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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