summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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