All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i dont even know how to be here
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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