you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
