So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Randomize
