this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
