Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
