i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
