How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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