I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
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You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
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I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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