My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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