i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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