Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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