Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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