Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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