booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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