I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
