Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
