Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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