Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
