Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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