i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
do herpes really smell.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
